Transgender Indiana the 34th demension of a thousand days journey!
Ok Some thing more recent and I would hope a bit more insight full. I am fast forwarding the story line to the most current time frame that being said here is how life has been as an overall perspective for me. I was stuck with bad dead end jobs working temp jobs part time jobs and then I get a pretty decent job as an optical lab technician, well this job was good and I enjoyed it especially the side projects of making movies for special occassions at work. I definitly found my calling both as a writeer and movie producer but as a videographer, it is something I enjoy but lack the money to pursue at this time some day I do hope to start my own films and to share stories that I develope with others as a carreer but at the moment I am not doing that. Well I was working my self to a frazzel always covering for others and keeping things going as best I could. I certainly was invaluable to the place but I had to take a less stressful job one that allowed free time for me to do many of the daily things that my life needed me to do. I took a job that would allow me to spend more time with my kids and family and I did just that. life was good except for this nawing pit in my stomach and the deep deep sadness that I had even though things seemed to be better than they had ever been for me and my family. It's all my fault I let others influence me and I brought the wrong persons into my home I did not realize it but I had made a big mistake making friends with others was not a good idea for me but I desired some kind of connection to fill the pit in my gut. every thing was fine I had a friend I could ask for help with things and he could ask me in return for help too. all was fine till I started talking with this guy he talked about his past mistakes and I felt a need to share some of mine well I had no idea he would use those comment to him in confidence to try and ruin and break up my marraige cause he wanted what I had a happy home with a nice family and kids he wanted what he did not have. my Wife! He told her about all of the stuff that I had mentioned witch was true to a certain extent but I might have over exagerateda little to make him feel better about his own situation.
Then it got back to my wife and it chewed her up inside till she finally had to have a talk with me this was not a conversation her or I ever though we would have but it happened that very night. While the deatails are a little fuzzy here the main point of the conversatoin was do I still want to be with her and are we going to make it. I took her very seriously since we had come through some rocky times in the past and I told her I simply did not know the future could be many things but predictable it as not. Se wanted to know why I had said what I did to Wayne and I told her that some of it was true but not all she thought I was cheating on her because she had found signs of another woman, well I came clean that night and told her exactly how I had been feeling about things and told her that I needed time to think about hings it made for a very sad and a very long weekend we only talk about this issue in our room behind closed doors and we were able to work some things out I thought. I was going to try and keep things together is what I felt and we did for a good time after that I was able to spend my last x-mass with my family. I had taken a part time job no big deal except I had took it as a woman. So I was working two jobs one as a guy and the other as a female it was difficult at first, and I definitly was nervious about the whole thing but a good friend started with me and we car pooled together too work.. I started this jon some time in september and worked clear up till just befor the thanksgiving holidays I was temp layed off over x-mass and I looked for another job to replace the two part time one because I felt like I never had any time at home any more. Well the best and the worst thing happened I got a full time job paying more money than I had ever had but I got this job again as a female. at this time I was only dressing as a male for the one part time job and when I needed too for family/friends visiting.. I soon knew that I had to either tell others or felt the pressure to quit,my wife was tryng to be supportive and during this time we had many descusions in our bedroom. I told her I wanted to be full time one day I had been think ing about it for years infact ever since i saw those first trans-girls on the internet. I was getting better and more comfortable at my second job and was prepared to go full time with both my work and social life after that point if I only got the job. well I got a skills assessment and was able to pass the skills assesment and then the background checks, so I was eventually offered the job, up till this point I had not disclosed that I was a trans person, I was doing good but I had failed to ever get a legal name change and up till this point had been researching and trying to find a way to save the money up for a legal name change. It took all I had that first day for my courage and if it was not for a mear stroke of luck in my voice working I might have freaked out and quit that job too, but for some reason I felt good about my voice for about a full month befor it started giving me issues one day.. in this time frame becasue the job was so far away from home
I found a temp apartment because it was the middle of winter and the snow storms where too much to drive back and forth in every day. I was wore out from the driving and pure focus one has to have to drive int he winter during heavy snows on a highway late at night with drifts and white outs. I missed my family but I neded the job at this point there was no turning back I was living full time and only would go back to living as a guy on the weekends when I would drive back to my family and spend the weekends with them. Well that lasted for a few months and then the stress got to be too much and when I was ready to move back home I had planned to move back during the kids spring break.. Instead of them coming too help me move they went on vacation with-out me and they never even came to help me move.. I was stranded and alone stuck in a place I did not want to be; I was heart broken and besides this the roomates I had all left for that weekend I was left all alone in the apartment. The painful thoughts that ran through my hear as I realized that the life I once knew was over and that I was now going to be alone for the rest of my life no more family not even a peep.. That night god was with me because even though I have tried to commit suicide, out of pure missery I took about every pill I could find in the place and all I got was nausious and vomited all night I wanted to die but I shure the heck did not.
I miss my kids my Family so much but now I feel like I have lost them for ever and I will never be able to get them back. I know now what had happend happened for a reason but I also know that I still love them and will miss them so now I face a hole in my life, with each hole in my life there is less and less of me and I will never know the feeling of joy as I once knew them.. Life is tough and I have since moved out of the first apartment and moved on with my life only recently changing my name legally and I am now known as Jannie no longer am I Jamie. it's a small change but it makes a big difference. At least it does to me. well there is more details I will fill in later but at the moment those are the basic of the latest and not so greatest happenings of my life.
Thanks for reading my story sincerly Jannie Lynn B.
Then it got back to my wife and it chewed her up inside till she finally had to have a talk with me this was not a conversation her or I ever though we would have but it happened that very night. While the deatails are a little fuzzy here the main point of the conversatoin was do I still want to be with her and are we going to make it. I took her very seriously since we had come through some rocky times in the past and I told her I simply did not know the future could be many things but predictable it as not. Se wanted to know why I had said what I did to Wayne and I told her that some of it was true but not all she thought I was cheating on her because she had found signs of another woman, well I came clean that night and told her exactly how I had been feeling about things and told her that I needed time to think about hings it made for a very sad and a very long weekend we only talk about this issue in our room behind closed doors and we were able to work some things out I thought. I was going to try and keep things together is what I felt and we did for a good time after that I was able to spend my last x-mass with my family. I had taken a part time job no big deal except I had took it as a woman. So I was working two jobs one as a guy and the other as a female it was difficult at first, and I definitly was nervious about the whole thing but a good friend started with me and we car pooled together too work.. I started this jon some time in september and worked clear up till just befor the thanksgiving holidays I was temp layed off over x-mass and I looked for another job to replace the two part time one because I felt like I never had any time at home any more. Well the best and the worst thing happened I got a full time job paying more money than I had ever had but I got this job again as a female. at this time I was only dressing as a male for the one part time job and when I needed too for family/friends visiting.. I soon knew that I had to either tell others or felt the pressure to quit,my wife was tryng to be supportive and during this time we had many descusions in our bedroom. I told her I wanted to be full time one day I had been think ing about it for years infact ever since i saw those first trans-girls on the internet. I was getting better and more comfortable at my second job and was prepared to go full time with both my work and social life after that point if I only got the job. well I got a skills assessment and was able to pass the skills assesment and then the background checks, so I was eventually offered the job, up till this point I had not disclosed that I was a trans person, I was doing good but I had failed to ever get a legal name change and up till this point had been researching and trying to find a way to save the money up for a legal name change. It took all I had that first day for my courage and if it was not for a mear stroke of luck in my voice working I might have freaked out and quit that job too, but for some reason I felt good about my voice for about a full month befor it started giving me issues one day.. in this time frame becasue the job was so far away from home
I found a temp apartment because it was the middle of winter and the snow storms where too much to drive back and forth in every day. I was wore out from the driving and pure focus one has to have to drive int he winter during heavy snows on a highway late at night with drifts and white outs. I missed my family but I neded the job at this point there was no turning back I was living full time and only would go back to living as a guy on the weekends when I would drive back to my family and spend the weekends with them. Well that lasted for a few months and then the stress got to be too much and when I was ready to move back home I had planned to move back during the kids spring break.. Instead of them coming too help me move they went on vacation with-out me and they never even came to help me move.. I was stranded and alone stuck in a place I did not want to be; I was heart broken and besides this the roomates I had all left for that weekend I was left all alone in the apartment. The painful thoughts that ran through my hear as I realized that the life I once knew was over and that I was now going to be alone for the rest of my life no more family not even a peep.. That night god was with me because even though I have tried to commit suicide, out of pure missery I took about every pill I could find in the place and all I got was nausious and vomited all night I wanted to die but I shure the heck did not.
I miss my kids my Family so much but now I feel like I have lost them for ever and I will never be able to get them back. I know now what had happend happened for a reason but I also know that I still love them and will miss them so now I face a hole in my life, with each hole in my life there is less and less of me and I will never know the feeling of joy as I once knew them.. Life is tough and I have since moved out of the first apartment and moved on with my life only recently changing my name legally and I am now known as Jannie no longer am I Jamie. it's a small change but it makes a big difference. At least it does to me. well there is more details I will fill in later but at the moment those are the basic of the latest and not so greatest happenings of my life.
Thanks for reading my story sincerly Jannie Lynn B.
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