Have you ever lost a friend.....

[Kaye]

have you ever lost a friend (or loved one) because of you transition?

I ask because I just found out from an old friend I hadn't seen in many years that because of her religious beliefs, she will never see my as (my new self) and could never refer to me with the correct name/pronouns. This is really the first non-acceptance I've had of my transition and it hurts, even though it is someone I have no contact with anymore and I just wanted to ask if anyone else wanted to share their experiences on this

K

[Kaye]

wow. anyone?

[Monica]

Hi Kaye,

Sorry to hear about your losing your friend. I've heard plenty of stories from transgender folks I know about losing friends and family. My parent lost contact with her brothers after transitioning.

I've heard stories from transgender parents whose children stop talking to them. It's really hard for people to talk about sometimes. Hopefully, the more people see tolerance in society, the more people will accept the transgender people they actually know.

[Rebecca]

Hello I'm new to this but not to Ms Boyland and her work, so good to be here.

I came out and started my RLE 4 weeks ago but had built a 'circle of trust' that got bigger since last August. Thing is I lost 2 people in this process and that was a friend who I have known and trusted for 15 years, who just can't deal with this and unfortunately my Dad.

It may sound quite Jerry Springer but I only met my Dad for the 1st time just over 2 years ago and we had a very shallow relationship in this time. I don't know whether I actually like him particually as he often says if he was 20 years younger he would join the BNP - The British Nationalist Party (Google this and you'll see why this is bad).

Anyway the transition has thrown up surprises and curved balls but I have MASSIVE amounts of support and I didnt realise how many of my friends were female anyway and they have all been lovely.

So in the losses you find a lot of gains and who knows the 2 out of literally hundereds of people in my life may still come round and so may that happen for you too.

[Brianna Harris]

Hi Kaye, For the record I'm 47 and 2 yrs post-op. I was 42 when I began active transition and had been married for 17 yrs at the time and with my, now, ex-wife for 20 years total with a then 5 yr old son. If this truly is your first experience with non-acceptance, consider yourself very fortunate. When I began my transition I had done the requisite research and nearly all of it said that I should be prepared to lose EVERYTHING and, unfortunately, in all too many cases that is true. In many ways I, too, have been fortunate. I kept my job and my home, my parents and other family have been supportive and my son was young enough that his judgement was not clouded by the misperceptions of others and today I'm just his "other Mom". I live in a small town in Vt so you can probably imagine that transition was not easy, compounded by the fact that my ex is a local girl and I am a 'flatlander' from Pa. My ex wife stuck around for 1 1/2 years before she decided she couldn't cope with my change and left, taking all of our friends with her and the divorce. Losing my best friend of 20 years, as you can imagine, was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. My best guy friend, I found out through his wife, "would/could never accept this" and therefore I chose to walk away rather than impose myself upon him. 5 years later I see him around fairly frequently and he is always friendly and respectful tho I suspect the friendship will never resemble what it once was. My relationship with my son and parents is now stronger than ever and I have made many new friends that accept me as, and for who, I am (as it should be). Even my ex-wife and I are on relatively friendly terms these days, making life for my son that much easier. I learned to look at it this way....if someone cannot accept me or want to deal with me because of my transition, then that is their problem, not mine, and they probably never were much of a friend anyway. I believe that much of what people take away from us as trans-folk is based on our own self-perception and presentation. Be proud of who you are and confident in your presentation and I find that 99% of the time people will treat you with the respect you deserve. The other 1% is reserved for those who are too close-minded to matter.

[Kim S.]

Yes Kaye, I've lost friends, family, even my own children - and can relate to how this feels, as many on this website likely can with their own experiences.

Non-acceptance (rejection) hurts to the core, it's very painful - and it's not something you feel like you've much control over when it happens. I think what Brianna said to you in her reply to your post was 'spot-on'.... "if someone cannot accept me or want to deal with me because of my transition, then that is their problem, not mine, and they probably never were much of a friend anyway." I lost my wife because of her failure to recognize this was my SELF - and I overcame my fear out of understanding I could not keep this secret. I told her about my gender identity years before we married, and ultimately this was used against me. I lost the one person that should have never thrown me away like trash, who knew this SELF before I ever made it known to any other people besides my direct family (mother, sister, and father). The pain that comes from that rejection - even today after six years post-divorce - is still so raw and cutting....

Transgendered or not, life is too short to immerse yourself with people that don't accept who you are. The quick recognition that it is NOT you who is the problem is essential - if for anything else to allow you to retain your self-esteem and not forefit it within the harsh judgment of selfish others. Carry your head with confidence, shut out the messages of the detractors, and shield yourself from the daggers of the tongue used as a weapon and the lack of decency from the short-sighted.

Tolerance may be far off for the transgendered community as a whole, but you have the choice of the people you allow into your circle of friends. I pray you have strong senses and intuition with regard to who you admit and that those choices are solid ones you never grow to regret. We should all be so lucky.. Warm regards, Kim